- On Baptism
- Baptism was invented about 2000 years ago by some hippy who lived in the woods and ate locusts and crud. But despite that, his constant baths left him looking great, giving him a large following of clients, including the one and only Jesus.
- On Bird Feeders
- I like birds. I like bird feeders. I set one up, but apparently my neighbors don’t like them. More specifically, they didn’t like my vulture-feeder. Hey, you feed your boring songbirds, I’m gonna feed something more interesting. The buzzards of the world need love too. And rotting beef.
- On Dinosaurs
- People think meteors or ice ages wiped out the dinosaurs, but they got it wrong. Aliens took them. I’m betting they’re all off right now in some gigantic alien nature reserve. Also, not a single one of them had feathers. Don’t like the “experts” lie to you!
- On Door-To-Door Salesmen
- I’d be more inclined to buy from these people if they’d buy from me. I have an almost-working TV on my front porch. Do you think any of these chumps wants to buy it? Hah. None of them know a good deal when they see one.
- On Finland
- On the one hand, Finland’s great because they got all those hot springs. On the other hand, they’re constantly worrying about Russians stealing their hot springs (and fjords). I say the Finns should invite in the Russians and bathe like brothers, sharing in the watery goodness.
- On Jimmy (Cracker of Corn)
- Jimmy Cracked Corn is a musical tribute to persistence and being true to oneself. The dude just does not care, but that doesn’t stop Jimmy to keep it up cracking the corn. I’m not sure what the line about “The Master” means. Maybe it implies that Jimmy has gotten so good at it he’s now “The Master of Corn Cracking”.
- On Jury Nullification
- Jury nullification is an act of barbarism that no democracy should tolerate. It’s not right. The jury votes one way, the judge doesn’t like it, so he orders them nullified. Often in a vat of acid. Sick stuff.
- On Mail Order Brides
- Back in the day, that had a good thing going. It’s hard to find a wife. God knows I’ve tried. If you could just order one in the Sears catalog, wouldn’t that be like the best thing ever?
- On Santa Claus
- Santa Claus is real. I know, because he goes to my gym. Well, he goes to a gym that I frequently walk past and peer in on, but forget that. I’ve seen how much he can bench, but what I really want to know is why I never got that model train set when I was 10!
- On Telemarketers
- These are a bit like the door-to-door ones, except I can’t very well sell them anything. But you know, if they’d just talk sexy to me, like those expensive 900 numbers, I’d be a lot more open to buying something.