- On Rock Music
- Rock is God’s gift to mankind. It can get us through anything. I think Jesus was actually commanding Peter to make a rock band when he said he was making him the rock of his church.
- On Pandas
- Does anybody else find it bizarre that the red pandas AREN’T the Communist ones? I find it suspicious.
- On Ronald Reagan
- That son of a bitch owes me 10$! I was once on the support crew for one of his awful movies. The one with the monkey. The last day of the shoot, he asked for some cash to go get some burgers for us. I loaned him the 10, and I never saw him, the burgers, or my money again.
- On Daylight Savings Time
- This is clearly man’s hubris, thinking he has power of time itself. What trespass in the domain of God! And Time Lords! And what does our transgression get us? Secret ninjas come in the middle of a Spring night and steal our hour! Gone, forever!
- On The Vietnam War
- That damned war was a tragedy, and so full of lies. In the first place, why the hell were we fighting the spread of Communism over there and not here, like at that asshole Fred’s pawn shop. Would you believe that son-of-a-bitch wouldn’t give me more than 50$ for an outboard motor? That commie clearly thinks everything should be free.
- On Darth Vader
- I don’t think Darth Vader was so great. I’m betting I could have taken him. I’d just dash in there and start pushing all the buttons on his chest.
- On The Americans With Disabilities Act
- I think this act doesn’t go nearly far enough. I feel all Americans with disabilities should be entitled to rad cyborg parts. It worked out great for Robocop!
- On The Partitioning of India
- I don’t think they should have partitioned India. Kids have enough countries to learn about and we don’t need to be adding more to the map. The only winners there are the cartographers’ cartels.
- On The Constitution
- I firmly believe that the original draft of The Constitution included a clause to ensure our right to free beer. It was taken out by that jackass Samuel Adams to safeguard his brewing industry.
- On Hansel & Gretel
- Everybody gets this story wrong. It’s a tragedy. The witch isn’t the villain. Hansel & Gretel are the villains! The greedy punks were clearly eating their parents out of house and home. Look at how they tried to eat the witch’s house. Leave her homeless! Her actions were all self-defense.