- On Speedos
- Speedos are for chumps. What kind of nutcase walks around the beach wearing one of those things? If you want to strut around like some exhibitionist with your junk nicely outlined, don’t come crying to me if a crab, tax-collector, or whatever gets a death-grip on one of your nards.
- On Dostoevsky
- Dosto-what?! That some kind of vodka? Wait, I think I remember it from back in my boot camp days. It was pretty good, although it hit me like a ton of bricks the next morning.
- On Karl Marx
- I like him because we share a name and he had one hell of beard. But why did he write a manifesto? If you write a manifesto, people are gonna think you’re a nutcase, like that Uni-ball guy.
- On Quantum Mechanics
- These know-it-all scientists are way too damned big for their britches. We can’t even get regular mechanics right, and they want to go to some fancy quantum nonsense. Until my Ford can get 100 miles to the gallon, they need to focus on the basics.
- On Tarzan
- While I’m sure Tarzan was a historical figure, the stories about him gotta be exaggerated. I mean, why does he always have yet another vine to grab onto? I’m betting he musta screwed up and took a tumble at least a few times.
- On Deforestation
- Deforestation is a goddamned crime against humanity. Where the hell am I supposed to go shoot deer if we got no forests? I haven’t bagged this year’s buck yet and like hell I’m gonna miss out because jackasses stole all the forests.
- On Superman
- I don’t know why Superman even bothers wearing clothes. I wouldn’t. I mean, seriously, what the hell is anybody gonna do about it if Superman just starts flying around Metropolis naked? It would also mean Clark Kent wouldn’t have to wear the damned costume under his work clothes. That’s gotta chafe.
- On Vampires
- I keep a silver shovel in my Ford just in case I cross paths with one of these bloodsuckers. I once got ambushed and bit by one in a back alley as I was coming out of a brothel. It was bullshit. I only got away thanks to fighting fire with fire and biting off one of his ears. Hah! Dumbass didn’t see that coming! Also, the shovel should be good for werewolves too.
- On Lucky Charms Cereal
- I don’t recommend messing around with the occult unless you damned well know what you’re doing. You keep eating these magical marshmallows, something crazy is bound to happen. Just say no.
- On Disenfranchisement
- Disenfranchisement is an awful, awful thing. We need more franchises. Do you know how far I gotta travel to go to the nearest A&W? The nearest Friendly’s? Disenfranchisement is ruining this country.