- On Chimps
- People tell me that we’re closely related to chimps, and that we even evolved from them. I don’t know if I believe it. What if they evolved from us? What if they’re really the dominant species? We house them and feed them and clean up their poop! It’s a bad look.
- On Genies
- Genies are assholes. I know from experience. Once, I found a magic lamp at a flee market. I took it home, rubbed it, and this genie popped out. At first he was all polite, calling me “master” and everything. But right after I wished for a bajillion more wishes, he flipped out and started screaming and cussing me out in something, maybe Arabic? I panicked and wished the him and the lamp away to Mars. I hope he’s calmed down by the time astronauts find it.
- On Simonism
- Look, I’ll admit that Paul Simon is a very talented man, but people shouldn’t go worshiping him and the ground he walks on. Besides, his best work was past him once he split with Garfunkel.
- On Smores
- Smores are one of the only safe ways to enjoy graham crackers without suffering from ED. Graham crackers were designed to cause impotence, so you need the natural lust from the chocolate and marshmallows to cancel it out.
- On Starlings
- People talk like Starlings are an invasive species here in America, but I think they’re full of it. Think of how many generations of Starlings have lived here. Does your ancestry go back that far? Does it? Didn’t think so. Let us stand face to beak with mutual respect!
- On Ultraman
- I hear that there’s this Japanese guy who dresses in spandex with some bug-eyed helmet and he can grow gigantic at will. Like, Godzilla gigantic. I’m really not sure how we won WW2 with guys like that over there.
- On Weathermen
- I’ve noticed that the weather men have a messed up game they play. When they report on nice weather, it’s always the senior, veteran weathermen. When the weather sucks, they send out the junior team members to deliver the news. I think they should just draw straws and be fair to the youngsters.
- On Spontaneous Human Combustion
- I’ve seen it with my own two eyes. One time, I was hanging out with Willy in an old cabin I was fixing up. We were watching some football on the television. Willy asked me to pass him some nachos. I warned him that they were extra hot, but he said he’d be fine. No sooner had he swallowed his first bite than he started screaming and burst into flames. I tried dousing him with a can of beer but it was no use. The flames spread so fast I barely got out. And that was the end of Willy and my cabin. To this day, I can’t eat nachos without getting sentimental.
- On Papal Infallibility
- I want to be the Pope. Or to be more precise, I want his infallibility. Think about how awesome that would be? You’d be right 100% of the time and nobody could question you because you could just throw the “infallibility” card in their face. If I’d had this awesome power, I probably would have made it through exams in college instead of dropping out.
- On Linear Algebra
- This is proof mathematicians hate us. All of us had to get through regular algebra in school. We thought we were done with that crap. And then they trot out this linear algebra crap. I say no sir, good day sir!