- On Bike Theft
- It’s a frustrating and tragic truth of our world, but it’s the fate of all bicycles to be stolen, sooner or later. Some French guy once told me that in his language, the word for “stolen” is an anagram of “bike”. That’s deep.
- On Bowling
- I don’t bowl anymore. I can’t. I used to be really good at it, until this one night. I was bowling with my good friend Willy, on track for a perfect game, my first. In the 7th round, Willy’s ball was taking a while coming back. He decided to stick his head in the ball return to see what was going on. All of a sudden, the ball came flying up, bashed Willy in the head, and laid him dead on the floor. I was traumatized! I complained to the manager, and he gave me vouchers for 5 free games. It soothed my pain slightly, but I could never bring myself to use them.
- On Corporal Punishment
- Back in elementary school, I was dead set on becoming a pro-wrestler. And this was gonna be my name: Corporal Punishment. It was going to be so cool! Alas, some dreams aren’t meant to be. I held onto that dream all the way to high school, but I didn’t have the grades to get into any colleges offering degrees in professional wrestling.
- On The Founding Fathers
- There’s no shortage of people who rave about the founding fathers, but I think it all comes down to daddy-issues. Evidently they’re so unhappy with whoever they had for a father that they fantasize about having a whole bunch of colonial bastard fathers to fawn over them.
- On The Price Is Right
- The Price Is Right has a dark secret lurking under the surface. It’s entirely funded by a secret cabal of companies that use it to promote their products! That’s right! When people are guessing the price of soap, it’s to try to brainwash you into buying the soap! And that’s before I even get into Bob Barker’s incessant propaganda about spaying or neutering your pet.
- On Mimes
- Once, on the streets of Paris, I very nearly took a Mime’s life. And I’m not ashamed to admit it. He was standing in my way, miming about being trapped in a box. I realized I was sent here with a purpose, to rid the world of this mime. I stepped forward, and using my psychic perception, found the box’s lone air hole. I put my palm over it and you should have seen the look of dread on this mime. He kept doing his thing, pressing on the walls, but with this pleading look in his eyes. I stood like that for a whole hour as his air ran out. Near to the end, as he was on the borderline of unconsciousness, I stared deep into his eyes. And I saw a determination in them. I realized that despite being able to, he never once tried to call out for help. That was his level of dedication. He was prepared to die for his craft! I felt pity well up in me, took my hand off the air hole, and walked away. If he was to die, it would have to be by someone else’s hand.
- On Moses Parting The Red Sea
- I really don’t get why they went through the whole deal of wandering in the wilderness and searching for a new land. They should have just settled right by the Red Sea. Now I know you’re thinking I’m nuts, but I have two words to say to that: Fishing Industry. They could have cornered the market on fish. Every time stock got low, they could have just had Moses go part it again so they could walk out and grab a bunch more fish off the ground. No boats, no nets, no fuss. It would have been genius.
- On Red Baron Pizza
- It’s not like I don’t appreciate the flavor. They taste alright, for cheap freezer pizza. I’ve had better, but I’ve also had worse. That’s not what frustrates me. No, what I find truly wrong is naming a pizza in honor of a cruel bastard who has repeatedly shot down Snoopy’s dog house. Why would you do that?
- On Boomerangs
- I believe the Australians invented boomerangs because their dingoes were so bad at fetch. It’s like a stick that comes back on its own, serving to shame the dog.
- On Yield Signs
- Yield signs are a lie. Here in America, we yield to no man! People fought and died so our children wouldn’t have to yield to anyone, let alone some piece of metal. Speed through that intersection and make your ancestors’ proud!