- On Elvis Costello
- Ah, Elvis Costello. Or as I like to call him, “Good Elvis”. If I want to rock out, I listen to stuff like this, not some drug addict with crazy hips. Elvis Costello is a million times better. Suck it, fans of “The King”.
- On Gandhi (1982 Film)
- I had high hopes for this when my friend Willy recommended it. When I asked the guy at the rental place for it, he looked at me real weird and asked if I was sure, like I’m not ready for this movie. I told him to mind his own business, but I wish I had listened to him. This is the worst martial arts movie ever. Don’t let the monk guy on the cover fool you. All the fights just involve people beating on him and he never even gets a punch in.
- On Haggling
- I’ll admit it. I suck at it. It’s so confusing. I’m never sure when I should take the price and when I should lowball them. And I’m always confused about when you’re supposed to draw your knife and threaten them, or when it’s their turn. I’d rather just go to Walmart.
- On Referees
- Refs, umpires, whatever you want to call them, they’re constantly making bad calls. Just ask any sports fan and they’ll talk your ear off about it. I say, if they’re so damned wrong all the time, who needs them. We should just work off the honor system, or coin flips, or maybe handcuffed knife fights for really important disagreements.
- On Seeing Eye Dogs
- My friend Willy (a different Willy) once had a special seeing eye dog. A FUTURE seeing eye dog. This chocolate lab could predict things with remarkable accuracy. It tried really hard to warn Willy about a meteorite coming down with his name on it, but he was too busy trying to get some chick’s number. Poor guy. I think the dog went on the talk show circuit after that.
- On The Boston Tea Party
- If I liked tea (which I don’t), I would have been awfully pissed off about the Boston Tea Party. Imagine getting an invitation, dressing up all nice, and going to the boat only to find a bunch of assholes dressed up like Indians throwing it all into the water. I’d never accept an invitation from them ever again.
- On The Cloak of Joseph
- Joseph’s cloak was reputed to have many colors. I think it was probably great for passing through gang territory. They’d be like, “We’re gonna shoot you.” and you could be like “No, don’t shoot me, look, I’m wearing your colors!”. I need to get one. It’d be awesome.
- On The Gold Standard
- I’m for it. Staunchly. You can’t beat gold. But look at us. Instead we carry around pieces of paper with wrinkly old men painted on. What good does that do us? Bring on the gold.
- On The Problem of Evil
- Problem? I don’t see a problem. Evil shows up, John Wayne shoots it, and everything’s great. Absolutely no problem.
- On The Song of Roland
- This was really one of Warren Zevon’s best songs. I mean, it’s about the corpse of a headless thompson gunner going around shooting people. What’s not to love?