- On Al Capone
- I’m going to take a controversial stance here and argue that Al Capone wasn’t historical. He was really more of a folk hero representing rebellion against authority and Chicago’s problems with alcoholism.
- On Banyas
- The Soviets are hardcore, I’ll give them that. You don’t just go to a sauna there. You go to a sauna, and people smack you with branches. Everything’s harder in Russia.
- On Camelot
- Camelot sounds pretty gay to me. I mean, how many female knights do you hear about? None. Just a bunch of dudes hanging around some round table, probably making small talk.
- On Cogito, ergo sum
- I remember this camping trip in Appalachia one time with Willy. We were sitting around a campfire and he was reading some philosophical book. He told me about how this Descartes guy once argued how the mere act of thinking proves that you exist. But I had to ask, if you don’t think, does that mean you don’t exist? Then, I asked the wrong question. I asked Willy what he was thinking about. He offhandedly said “nothing”, and all of a sudden he started fading away. I told him to think of something, but he started crying about how he can’t think under pressure. “Titties, Willy!” I screamed. “Think about titties!”. But it was too late. Willy had faded out of existence. I think the moral is that philosophy is dangerous stuff.
- On Erection
- Stop snickering! Erection is a very important industry for building up America. You want somewhere to live? You need erection. I have friends who work in erection.
- On Indian Burial Grounds
- I reject the racist notion that Indian burial grounds are somehow a unique source of paranormal activities. The final resting places of all peoples trigger haunting when properly defiled, such as by building a McDonald’s over them.
- On Kansas
- What’s the point when you have Arkansas. Doesn’t that mean, like, “better Kansas”? I think it’s like Latin or something.
- On Love At First Sight
- I not only believe in love at first sight, I’ve known it. And it’s dangerous. Seriously, if you fall in love with some chick at first sight, make sure she’s not a psycho. And if you find out her name is Trish, run away as fast as you possibly can.
- On Narnia
- I’ve been to Narnia a handful of times. It seems like every few years I stumble upon a new way to get there. It’s actually a colossal pain in the ass. The last time was on a camping trip when I really had to use the can. I stepped into the outhouse, and next thing I know I’m talking to Tumnus. I asked him where I could find a bathroom, but he just kept prattling on about how I should go meet the lion and such. I turned around, stepped out of the outhouse, and just went off into the woods to take care of business.
- On Papal Bulls
- Pope Leo X was stupid. He could have put that pesky Reformation down in 2 seconds if he had just sicced 2 or 3 of those papal bulls on Martin Luther. It’s not like Luther was a matador or anything. They would have stomped him into the ground.