- On Forrest Gump
- It’s a good movie, and I have nothing but love for Tom Hanks. That said, I vastly prefer the original black and white version, with Humphrey Bogart and Lillian Gish, even if it also had that awful jackass Frank Sinatra. Run Humphrey, run!
- On Frank Sinatra
- Speaking of that lying sack of pig manure. He’s a colossal asshole and I have a personal vendetta against the chump. Back in 1952, I was on a middle school field trip to New York. I was walking down the street, licking a big swirly lollipop, because that’s what we did back in the day. I rounded a corner, and there he was. Before I could even ask for an autograph, he slapped the lollipop out of my hand, onto the street. Then he called me, I quote, “An overpriced 2 dollar whore”. Jesus! And you know the worst part? Sweet, innocent, 11 year old Carl had to spend 3 hours looking that up in a dictionary because bastards can’t spell it like they pronounce it! Since that day, he has been my sworn enemy.
- On Goats vs. Sheep
- As covered in the Gospel of Mathew, in the second coming, Jesus is going to decide which of us are sheep and which of us are goats. But don’t let the cute ones at the petting zoo fool you. Jesus. Hates. Goats. If he decides you’re a goat, you’re gonna be screwed.
- On Haters
- The most vital element of being a good hater is to have no knowledge about what you’re hating on. You can’t be a good hater if you actually know what you’re talking about.
- On Homo Erectus
- This was the most family-unfriendly caveman of all of them. He’d be going around to neanderthal settlements, and they’d be like, “Hey, get the hell out of here! We’ve got kids around!”. Poor perverted bastard.
- On Lightning
- It’s a complete myth that lightning never strikes the same spot twice. I’ve witnessed it. I was camping with Willy near the Everglades when a sudden storm blew in. Right in front of me, lighting flashed down and struck Willy, sending him to the ground. I thought he was dead, but he got up. He said “I think I’m gonna be Oh–” and suddenly another bolt struck him. He was lying on the ground, face down, kinda steaming. He started moaning and pushing himself back up when, suddenly, a 3rd bolt of lightning struck him. That was it for Willy. He was on fire by that point. All that was left was the sickly smell of burning flesh and my awe at the wonders of nature.
- On Near Death Experiences
- I have had numerous near death experiences. I must have had a front row seat for watching Willy die at least 30 times by now. Life can be depressing.
- On Stunt Men
- I would never make use of stunt men. Save them for the wimps. If I’ve got something crazy and dangerous to do, I’m doing it myself, like a real man!
- On The Divine Rite of Kings
- They had a good thing going with this. Things in this country would work so much more smoothly if we just let God pick our presidents instead of having all these pointless elections.
- On The Greek Alphabet
- Oh you Greeks, you. Look at little omega, ω. It’s totally supposed to be boobs. Or balls. Knowing the ancient Greeks, probably balls.