- On Vows of Silence
- I think vows of silence are great! It seems like it’s only monks that do them, but I say plenty of other people should take vows of silence: politicians, yodelers, carolers, tiny dogs, Frank Sinatra… The list could go on forever.
- On Cheating Death
- I’ve cheated Death like 5 times now. It’s easy, as long as you remember two facts. Fact One: You have the right to challenge Death to a contest to spare your life. Fact Two: Death’s fast and strong, but he’s got zilch for endurance. I remember the last time I bested him. Push-ups. He was wheezing by push-up number 6 and after the 12th one, he couldn’t even get up off the ground.
- On The Magic Flute
- I sat through this whole damned thing, and I still can’t believe it wasn’t loaded with fart jokes. I mean, it’s freaking Mozart, and with a title like that, it seems like such a lost opportunity.
- On The Burning Bush
- I think the biblical account of Moses and the burning bush is totally rad. Think about it! God is so insanely holy and mighty that it’s like the world spontaneously combusts when it comes into contact with him. That’s some heavy metal right there.
- On Manhood
- Go watch Rambo. He will teach you all there is to know about manhood.
- On KFC
- I’m sure I know the 11 secret herbs and spices, especially the last one. I’m betting it’s arsenic. Damn straight. And if KFC wants to prove me wrong, they can release the secret recipe any time.
- On Dueling
- They need to bring back dueling. Lawsuits are a dead end. They’re too damned expensive and take too long. No, you want things settled fast, you go settle them out in the backwoods with pistols. Or swords. Swords are bitching too.
- On Diamonds
- I told my ex-fiance Henrietta and I’m gonna tell the world: I Am Not A Chump! I’m not going to shell out 3 months’ salary on some sparkly rock just because some bastard in a suit tells me it’s valuable.
- On Birdwatching
- I don’t get birdwatching. It’s boring. And I’m speaking from experience. I tried it once, joining a group in the park. Five minutes in, they told me to go away, telling me that my public intoxication was a bad influence on the kids. Well dammit, I wouldn’t have had to drink if the stinking birds would actually do something interesting.
- On Julius Caesar
- I realize he was going off the cuff and didn’t have much time to think about it, but I feel like his last words were a real let down. “And you, Brutus?”. Bah. I would have gone with “Up yours, Brutus!”.