There seems to be some common sentiment we hear sometimes, articulated in different ways. It often comes down to something like “know Jesus, know peace”. Lots of faith traditions seem to push this sort of idea, that once you embrace God, all your worries will melt away, as though a meerkat and a warthog just started belting out “Hakuna Matata“.

The thing is, it’s just not true, at least for some of us. If anything, a commitment to God means less peace. Maybe in this case, the word “peace” gives the wrong impression. “Contentment” might be a bit closer. When you’re driven by a sense of divine mission, you have little leeway for contentment.

I feel this in my day to day life. Oh, how often it would be easier not to care. Sometimes, I don’t want to strive. Sometimes, I don’t want to dive into my language studies. Sometimes, I don’t want to stay informed about the world. Sometimes, I don’t want to write these blog posts. Sometimes, I just want to slack off and embrace easy indifference.

And yet, I always seem to feel God’s hands at my back. I always sense Him pushing me to continue my struggles. It’s as though abandoning my work was never an option given to me. When I fall down, God doesn’t just help me up, it feels like He pulls me up.

It’s not really my privilege to predict the future, but sometimes I do get this sense I’m going to live to a ripe old age. Maybe I’m talking nonsense there. But I’m firmly convinced that no matter how long I live, God’s going to have ample work for me to do. And sometimes it feels like, at this rate, I’m going to need the entire human lifespan to have a chance at finishing all of it.

Perhaps the sentiment is captured best by the title of one of Warren Zevon’s songs: “I’ll Sleep When I’m Dead“.