- On Count Chocula
- If Count Chocula is particularly old, he must have been a new world vampire. Cocoa didn’t grow in Europe, after all. If not, maybe he had a different deal. Maybe he was originally Count Carob?
- On Direct Democracy
- Direct democracy seems like a good idea, but it leads to terrible results. A few years back, with no notice to me, the buses in my town instituted a system where the passengers get to vote on whether to stop and pick up more passengers or not. No bus has ever stopped for me since.
- On Edward the Confessor
- I’ll admit, I don’t know about Edward in particular, but I hate confessors. And you never know who they are. You go drinking with someone, they get a little too much alcohol in them, and suddenly you get a flood of confessions:
- “I didn’t wash my hands in the bathroom!”
- “I stole a cheese wheel from the store!”
- “I committed tax fraud!”
- “I killed Noam Chomsky and stole his identity!”
- Christ! I’ve heard it all.
- I’ll admit, I don’t know about Edward in particular, but I hate confessors. And you never know who they are. You go drinking with someone, they get a little too much alcohol in them, and suddenly you get a flood of confessions:
- On Gilligan’s Island
- I think Gilligan’s Island was actually a cold war era experiment by the US government, and Gilligan was their inside man. Think about it! He always seems to find some crazy way to prevent them from escaping and ending the experiment. He puts on a good act pretending to be an idiot, but I know a spook when I see one! Also, the man who prefers Ginger to Mary Ann is blind!
- On Indulgences
- The Catholic Church had a great thing going with indulgences, until one malcontent had to go and ruin it with his 95 Theses. Haven’t we all had a time when we really wanted to commit a sin? With indulgences, you could basically buy a permission slip! Want to punch out some asshole? Indulgence! Want to burn down an eyesore building lowering your property values? Indulgence!
- On Pac-Man
- Pac-Man is all about glorifying drug culture and a terrible influence for the kids. He goes around munching pills. The ghosts chasing him around represent his addictions. When he munches one of the big ones, he starts tripping balls, gets the munchies, and can even eat his addictions!
- On Sexual Dimorphism
- I hate sexual dimorphs. They’re such bastards. Or.. umm… bitches? This has happened to me 3 times. You pick up a pretty lady in a bar somewhere. You have a wonderful night. Then, in the morning they laugh at you and transform into a dude right in front of your eyes! Dammit, just thinking about those mornings pisses me off.
- On Pliny the Elder
- I don’t get why people hold this guy in such esteem. All he did was write a bunch of rubbish and nonsense about anything and everything. The man was just a bullshitter. I can’t stand his kind.
- On The Insanity Defense
- People complain about it, but do you know who pioneered the insanity defense? Hercules! He had to use it after Hera made him go nuts and murder all of his children. If a hero like him can use it, then so can anyone.
- On Top Hats
- I think the top hat is a mark of distinction for the gentleman. Evidently, I am not a gentleman. I got a top hat and went to show it off at the gentlemen’s club. Nobody there would even look at it because they were too busy staring at dancing ladies. When I complained, they tossed me out. Literally.