- On Sea Otters
- Cruel, cruel bastards. Nothing like gentle river otters, no sir. This one time, I was on a fishing trip with my buddy Willy. We were out in the Seattle bay. Willy, being the literate type, was reading “The Odyssey”. He turns to me and asks “Man, why is Poseidon such an asshole?”. He practically hasn’t finished the sentence when the sky darkens and the waters get choppy. A wave tosses our boat and Willy falls out into the waters. I reach for him, but suddenly a bunch of otters show up and grab onto him. I tried my best to grab his jacket, but it was no use. They pulled him under and down to a watery grave. To this day I mourn Willy and curse the sea otters.
- On Wizard Vans
- I think it’s not only acceptable, but vitally important for vans to have a wizard painted on the side. We have to show respect to the wizards so they continue to uphold the balance of the world. The sole exception is The A-Team’s van. They can go wizardless.
- On The US Nuclear Umbrella
- I really need to get one of these. An ordinary umbrella can’t protect you from nuclear fallout. But the US Nuclear Umbrella can. I just have to figure out where you can buy one.
- On The Book of Enoch
- I remember this one from my Sunday school days. It’s the inspirational story of a man who, despite losing his testicles, still becomes a prophet. I think he also pilots a giant robot to defend Israel from a Babylonian giant robot.
- On The British Monarchy
- I am not British, but I am a staunch supporter of the British monarchy. You hear about these fools who want to abandon it, but that’s just madness. Think about it! Someday, King Arthur is going to return. What’s he going to do if you’ve abolished the monarchy? What will he be? Burger-flipper Arthur? Mall-cop Arthur? I’ll tell you what he’ll be. Pissed.
- On Smurfs
- I know for a fact that Smurfs exist. I was once tramping through the woods with my dog, Ransom. Ransom suddenly caught a scent, flipped out, and dove into some thicker brush. I chased after him, but he got way ahead of me. I got to an opening in the trees and came upon a scene of such carnage that it’s still burnt into my mind. Rows upon rows of shredded mushroom homes. Blue goo everywhere. And there’s Ransom, grinning at me with blue all over his muzzle and some of those silly little hats caught in his teeth.
- On Pavlovian Response
- Let me get this straight. Some Russian guy thinks he taught dogs how to drool? What a load of manure. Dogs have been drooling since before there were dogs and some dude ringing a bell didn’t teach them how to do it.
- On Leave It To Beaver
- Those kids are wusses. Every time they blow it and are gonna get in trouble, they act like Ward’s gonna beat the everloving snot out of them. And all he ever does is express his disappointment. And this was back when things were black and white and you could beat your kids!
- On Irish Reunification
- You hear from all these people who are for reunification and all these people who are against it. But you know who nobody ever asks? Ireland. What if Ireland doesn’t even want Northern Ireland back? What then, huh? Yeah, you didn’t think of that, did you.
- On Archduke Ferdinand
- What a colossal asshole. He gets himself killed, and all of Europe has to fight some moronic war over it. Seriously, talk about a narcissist.